


And A Happy New Queer

by Polomonkey



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Christmas, Families of Choice, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Grief/Mourning, Mental Health Issues, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 13:47:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5542214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/pseuds/Polomonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin's spending his first Christmas on his own. Arthur drops by.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And A Happy New Queer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [R00bs_Teacup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/R00bs_Teacup/gifts).



> For Azile, who posted on tumblr about the particular struggles of being queer at Christmas, which struck a chord with me. I hope you enjoy this, my dear.

At the LGBT+ society Christmas dinner, the president had made a drunken toast about how they’d all been told that they’d been alone forever but they were going to prove everyone wrong. That they had a right to love as much as anyone else and she hoped they all found that special someone in the new year.

Merlin hadn’t cheered along with everyone else. He’d made his excuses and gone home instead; surprised to find angry tears pricking at his eyes as he walked to the bus stop.

The be all and end all of everything was love, apparently. Finding a partner, having sex, sharing romance, living together, getting married. Now that gay marriage was legal, what was stopping them?

Well Merlin wasn’t in love. And he’d never had a relationship and he didn’t know if he ever would. Once he’d figured out he was ace, he thought the rest of his life would just fall into line. But it didn’t work like that. He still suffered from depression, he still found himself consumed by grief some days, and he was still resolutely single. And all that should have been okay but it seemed sometimes like the queer community was just as obsessed with love and marriage as the rest of the world was. There was still some indefinable sense that you were incomplete by yourself, and Merlin hated it.

He was still angry about the toast when he went to bed. But when Merlin woke up the next morning to see Elyan off, he resolved to go easy on himself. Christmas was a difficult time anyway and it didn’t take much to set him off.

Merlin’s mum had died on Christmas Eve, four years ago. 

The first Christmas after Merlin had just lain in bed the whole time. Elyan had stayed with him that year, had cancelled his plans to go home so that he could sit at Merlin’s side and make sure he ate and took his meds and had someone to wish him a happy Christmas. The next year Elyan had taken him to his house to spend the holiday with Gwen and his father. It had been less scary than Merlin expected; Tom was a gentle bloke who didn’t seem to mind the periodic times when Merlin had to escape outside for a few hours to be alone.

Elyan had invited him home again this year but Merlin said no. It had been nice and he could have done it again, but he wanted to see what Christmas was like by himself this year. He’d always have good friends – he was sure of that and grateful for it – but he didn’t know if he’d ever have a partner. It might be that there were a lot of Christmases spent alone in his future and he wanted to reassure himself that it wasn’t so bad; that he could cope on his own.

Surprisingly, it had worked so far. He’d cried when he caught the end of The Muppets Christmas Carol on TV, because he remembered watching it with his mum when he was little. And it had been hard to sleep alone on Christmas Eve, knowing that he couldn’t ask Elyan to come in and snuggle him like he sometimes did when Merlin was low. But other than that, it hadn’t been half as bad as he feared. He’d made mince pies, or more accurately, burnt mince pies; but they still tasted good. He’d watched Doctor Who and lamented with Gwen by text over how much better it used to be. He’d unwrapped Elyan’s present while on the phone to him and been appropriately appreciative of the truly hideous reindeer jumper Elyan had got him (it was a longstanding tradition that Merlin and Elyan bought each other awful holiday jumpers; Elyan assured him that he was wearing Merlin’s fluffy penguin monstrosity as they spoke).

By the time ten ‘o’ clock rolled around, Merlin breathed a sigh of relief and declared the day a success. If this was what every Christmas was like from now on, then he could live with that. He could definitely live with that.

He had already changed into his pyjamas and brushed his teeth when the doorbell rang. Curious, he padded down the hall and peered through the peephole.

That looked a lot like…

Merlin hastened to open the door.

“Arthur?” he said, still a bit confused. It was definitely his friend standing at the door but how could Arthur be here when they were spending Christmas in London with their father?

Arthur gave Merlin a very sad smile.

“Hey, love. Happy Christmas.”

“I thought you were in London,” Merlin said and then remembered himself. “Sorry, come in! Come in. Are you cold? Do you want a drink?”

He ushered Arthur inside and took their coat. 

“I’m okay,” Arthur said, wandering into the living room.

“You get tea anyway because it’s the remedy for all ills,” Merlin said, gently steering them to a seat and then bustling into the kitchen to click the kettle on.

When he went back in Arthur was perched on the end of the sofa, their whole body stiff and rigid.

“Did you drive here?”

“Yeah. Only took three hours.”

“Not that I’m not happy to see you but… why?”

Arthur gave that same sad smile they’d greeted Merlin with.

“It wasn’t the jolliest of Christmases. Dad was…”

They broke off and took a deep breath.

“I can’t blame him for misgendering me because it’s not like I ever came out about that. But there were plenty of snide remarks about being bi, about being single, about pretty much anything Uther could think of.”

Merlin’s heart was heavy. Uther was thoughtlessly cruel at the best of times, but he’d been exponentially worse since Arthur had come out as bisexual. 

(“That’s not even true either,” Arthur had wept on Merlin’s shoulder one night after weeks of being freezed out by their dad. “I’m pan but if he barely understands bi, how will I ever get him to understand that?” The idea of coming out as genderqueer was not even on the table. Arthur was convinced Uther would disown them and much though Merlin hated to think that was true, his friend was probably right.)

“I’m so sorry, love,” he said gently. “That sounds awful.”

“It wasn’t the most festive,” Arthur said, staring down at their hands. “In the end I said I was ill and Morgana backed me up. He was probably glad to see the back of me.”

They clenched their fists.

“I didn’t even tell him off. I could have at least stormed out in a huff; let him know how he makes me feel. But Merlin… it’s like my mouth dries up when I’m around him. It’s like being a little kid again and hearing strangers call me ‘son’ and wanting to cry but having to smile instead. I can’t… I can’t stand…”

Arthur started to cry. Merlin immediately scooted over on the sofa and wrapped his arms around them.

“It’s not your fault, love,” he whispered into Arthur’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of their head. “You’re doing so well. Arthur, you’re doing so well, I’m so proud of you.”

Arthur cried for a while, fitfully, and Merlin knew that this was probably the first time they’d cried in months. Arthur found it hard to let their guard down around other people. Merlin was one of the only people they felt comfortable doing this with.

Merlin wasn’t like that. He cried a lot; while watching films, on the bus, in the toilets at work with his hand stuffed in his mouth. He hated himself for how often it spilled over sometimes but Arthur said it was better that way. Arthur said they wished they could cry like Merlin; that sometimes it built up inside them so much they felt like they would explode.

They were very different people. But they complemented each other so well. Merlin wasn’t in a relationship with Arthur in the way society defined it. They didn’t kiss or have sex or have plans to move in or get married. But Arthur was his significant other in every way. It was funny that there was no word for that. 

Arthur stopped crying and subsided into hiccups eventually and Merlin gave them some tea. They sat quietly together, looking at the tinsel and paper snowflakes on the wall. Elyan’s handiwork, Merlin could never be bothered with fiddly things like that. His sole contribution was the piece of paper taped under Elyan’s ‘Merry Christmas’ sign saying ‘And a happy new queer!’

“You can come back here, you know,” Merlin said. “Move in with us. I worry about you living on your own sometimes.”

Arthur smiled.

“You’d get sick of me.”

“That’s probably true,” Merlin said. “We’re not very good at living together.”

They tried it once but they couldn’t quite make it work. They’d parted amicably and Elyan had moved in instead. Arthur lived in the neighbouring village now, and they came over for dinner most nights. But sometimes Arthur stayed away for a few weeks and Merlin would invariably go round to find them sitting with the lights off, drunk and skinny and unshowered. It only happened two or three times a year but it was more than enough to make Merlin worry.

Then again, Arthur liked to live alone. They needed solitude, needed their own space.

“Come round more often in the new year. Elyan’s gotten really into making Sunday roasts, and he needs another meat eater there to make it worthwhile.”

“Okay,” Arthur said and they let their head fall onto Merlin’s shoulder. “Sunday lunches. It’s a date.”

“Probably the only date either of us will have this year,” Merlin deadpanned, and Arthur snorted.

“I’ll wear my best underwear then.”

“You do that,” Merlin said. “We aces are very into fabric.”

Arthur laughed.

“Hey, what you said before. You’re doing well too, you know. I’m also proud.”

“How am I doing well?”

“You’ve got a job.”

“Arthur, I’ve been there three months and I haven’t had a week there yet where I haven’t had to go and cry in the toilets.”

“Three months in a long time,” Arthur said stubbornly. “And you’ve shown up for work every day. That’s a big deal. You should be congratulating yourself.”

Merlin let his head fall back against the couch.

“Okay. Congratulations to me. You happy now?”

Arthur laughed.

“Happier, at least.”

They took Merlin’s hand.

“I love you, you know?”

“I love you too,” Merlin said and kissed Arthur’s forehead. And then he turned on the TV and they sat in contented silence until Christmas day was over.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! And if the holidays are a hard time for you for whatever reason, hang in there :) I wish you a very happy new year.


End file.
